i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
