Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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