Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
