You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
