Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
