The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
