Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
