I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
