so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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