He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize