Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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