How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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