she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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