Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize