I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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