Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
where are my eyebrows?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
