i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
