Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
