Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize