You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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