So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
They are going to name an STD after you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize