fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize