You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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