he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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