We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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