Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
