I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize