It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
People in love make me want to vomit
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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