apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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