Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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