Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
my liver is dry heaving
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
