The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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