the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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