so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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