apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
