I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The power of my boobs compel you
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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