one word: firstdatebathroomanal
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
