you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
