a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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