seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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