So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My pussy is not your playground.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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