dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let's get the cat blown out
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
