We need to rekindle our bromance
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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