I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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