he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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