A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
