I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Life is so much better after having sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
3 2 1 whiskey
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
