the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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