Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
