you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
