4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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