The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
