Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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