i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
