I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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