He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
