He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
