we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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